Why do i love being alone? Why do i refuse to capitalize i’s? the i’s are easy, its simple to think that maybe capitalizing a pronoun for one’s self is arrogance. As for the other, well lets just see where that takes us.
Solitude is amazing. Simply put being a solitary creature gives me the time to roam the vast space between my ears. I can sit and contemplate on any idea i choose without interruption. Like when i sit down to write, i can devote myself fully to the task at hand. The quiet is only disturbed by the noises i choose to allow into my little world. I can sit and just listen to the cars go by and in winter you can hear the snow fall. There is nothing so peaceful as to sit and watch the snowfall on a quiet evening/morning. Life moves at my speed. I am completely comfortable with the idea of living inside my mind. I can close my eyes and be anywhere doing anything. It allows for me to fully appreciate the wonderfully vivid imagination i possess. Solitude can be pure bliss, however, there are time i enjoy disrupting the solitary flow and spend time in the company of others. Sometimes i find myself in the company of others even when a part of me would rather be off elsewhere. At these times i am the quiet and reserved one, the one sitting and observing the myriad of interactions between the other people. Even surrounded by people i have learned how to tune them out and just be. Being alone to me means avoiding the weariness caused by other people. I used to think of myself as a misanthrope, but slowly over time i have decided it is not the truth, while i can be quite misanthropic and anti-social, i find people amusing and entertaining. Take people watching, find somewhere to sit and just watch them, listen to them, and you can even begin to understand the simple truth, no matter how different we all are, we are very much the same. When i hear people going on about the silliest of things(to me) i often wonder if they heard me going on about the things i carry-on about to my friends if they would feel the same.

Being able to appreciate the silence of solitude is a requirement to surviving alone. I say this because a simple truth is becoming very apparent to me. At this moment i can’t envision myself with a long term mate/companion. The heart of the matter is people become tiresome and wearisome to me. I don’t communicate with my friends on a daily basis(but i love them all the same). Other than three family members i have no regular communication with my family. I try to remember to interact with them but my mind becomes occupied with other things. And to be honest its not like i am avoiding them, they do not attempt to communicate with me any more than i them. We have grown apart, its not a bad thing, its no one’s fault, it is just how it has worked out. My aloofness has been interpreted my some to be cold hearted and i can’t say in good conscience i am not cold hearted, sometimes it just seems that way. I recognize i am not a social butterfly, and when entering into mundane conversations i become bored quickly and run out of small talk unless a topic i find interesting comes up(i would hope this is the way everyone thinks). I would rather sit/stand in silence the be bored by the words issuing from my mouth. Sometimes i just let other people talk, because they need to say something, and i have no opinion or real care for what they are speaking about. I would gather that most people who know me but have never taken the time to get to know me consider me a rather dull person. I am the quiet one, whom for the most part doesn’t speak until spoken to. Oh i am good for a greeting and maybe even a little banter from time to time but i will generally go my own way instead of joining the group. I despise the herd mentality, i find when a group meets up individuality is compromised. Having said all this, i still work a job where everyday i have to interact with lots and lots of people everyday. I am a different person at work because to survive and thrive one needs to be gregarious, and to be able to interact on a completely functional level. And i agree there are times when the good and needs of the group dynamic outweigh the need for individuality.

Human beings are social creatures. I am an aberration when compared to the norm. I can spend inordinate amounts of time by myself. Maybe it has something to do with my childhood. I can remember spending an entire yr without anyone i would call a close friend. And i chose to live in the fantastic worlds of the books i read. I identified always identified with the outsider characters. I identified with those seeking acceptance for being different. It was easier to imagine those worlds than to try and fit into a world that on many levels i didn’t. I know full well how cruel children can be without ever fully knowing what it is they are doing. They ostracize without even knowing the meaning of the word. As we grow older we begin to understand the ramifications of our actions and hopefully become more accepting of those not like us.

I had a discussion with a friend the other day(yes i do have a few friends). I asked the question, “Would you rather raise a clone of yourself or a random genetic offspring?”
I made sure that not raising one or the other was not an option. He opted for a child, while i opted for a clone. The reasons against a clone are very good reasons: the temptation to experiment would be too great. It is an argument with merit. How could one objectively raise a clone? Having all the knowledge a person does of how they reacted to situations and how they made certain decisions, it would be hard not to suggest one path or another. I would like to think one could objectively raise a clone and not attempt to mold it into how they want to see themselves. I think one would have to never tell the clone the truth of their circumstances, and give good sound advice when questioned. One must not interfere anymore than they would with any other offspring. There must be no overt attempt to correct the flaws a person sees in their self. The goal would be to teach and nurture them and let them be their own person. The real advantage is in knowing how they are going to genetically, knowing what they are going to have to face medically, being able to take care of those situations and having that knowledge would be good.

A day in the life of me…

Awaken only to determine I have overslept slightly.
Arrive at work
Do work stuff
Avoid doing work stuff by chatting about other stuff.
Eat my homemade lunch from my kickass Zojirushi Lunch Jar.
Complete more work tasks.
Chat some more.
Drive home.
(The above is interspersed with several smoke breaks.)
Watch some TV.
Nap for an hour.
Avoid doing housework.
Watch more TV.
Put on music and tackle small housework chores.
Sit down and try and write something.
Get interrupted.
Have a decent philosophical discussion with roommate.
Type a bit of stuff to make a blog entry.
Contemplate sleeping; consider the chance I will over sleep again.
Consider the rationale behind the idea of getting all the sleep a person will need when they are dead.
Post entry and start another that will take time to finish.

What value is a god? This question has occurred to me of late and i haven’t an answer…
I dream of riding elevators….. higher than my floor and floating back down to the level i need.
I have absolutely no fear when driving.
i have a problem capitalizing an i when it sits all alone.
Do you ever think aloud or laugh to yourself when no one expects it?
I watch too much television and read far too little.
I am trying to go back and read both the classics that intrigue me and modern lit. that does the same.
I am a misanthrope with an incurable case of optimism.
I spell better drunk than half the people i know sober.
I am a perfectionist in my dealings with grammar, the only exception is with the letter i…….
I can be reading something and the least little imperfection drives me crazy.
If anyone was ever capable of reading my mind i am unsure if they would run in fear and terror or just slap me.
Once again i ponder; Is there a value in believing in a god?
I have faith in the power of the semi-colon.
I have this idea about speed limits- They are for other people.
Beauty is as much in the ear of the listener as the eye of the beholder.
Environmentalism is one of the funniest concepts ever thought of, hey lets make people feel guilty about shit we both do so they will stop and give us money to boot. The real truth of the matter is simple- Environmentalism has never had saving the planet as a goal. The planet will go on without us, I am quite sure that even if we are missed we will be replaced at the top of the food chain in time by another highly evolved being. The main goal of environmentalism is to scare you into believing that we can make this world inhospitable for humankind. Which may be possible but maybe if we aren’t intelligent enough to solve these problems we don’t deserve to go on as a species.
Ever wonder if we as a species will make it until the sun dies?
The pettiness of the human race amazes and disgusts me. When the next great leap of evolution comes and they are discovering the remains of the humans i believe they will think the same thing i currently do. “The humans had such great promise…”

Have you ever truly tried to grasp the size of the universe? It is amazing just to think of, sure we have mathematical representations of the infinite vastness of the universe but when a mind tries to wrap around the same it fails. For me it is a challenge that I save for those moments when I am bored, tired, or just feeling lonely. I stretch out my mind and I imagine the vast expanse of space starting with our solar system. The solar system is easy we know how large it is and we know what fills it. Next I think of the solar system in regards to the rest of the galaxy. We are but a pinprick in a spiraling sea of stars. Then I start to think of the Milky Way as but one galaxy hanging in empty space, easy so far. Now I begin to grow and fill in the blank space. This is the hard part. The mind can only visualize a fraction of the infinite size of the universe and have it be recognizable. As we expand and fill in the blank space we realize that the only representation we can imagine for the vastness of space is a field of black filled in with tiny pinpricks of light representing the countless celestial entities comprising the universe. To try and take the universe as a whole is almost pointless because to do so takes away from its beauty. We will have no depth, just a wide sea of black filled in with shining points of light with no defining characteristics. So lets approach thinking of a way to see and comprehend the vastness of the universe w/o losing its defining characteristics. When I close my eyes I want to envision galaxies, nebulas, quasars, pulsars, and black holes w/o losing the some of their defining characteristics. So instead of thinking of the universe as a whole I treat what I see as a map of the whole and begin dividing it into sections. I can then take a section and zoom in until I get the clarity and definition I desire. I can see the shapes of galaxies, ripple in space time caused by a black hole as it devours everything that gets near it, and when I want to get a view of what my mind can comprehend as infinity I zoom out until I grasp the vastness of black space lying between all these objects. I imagine them moving in a pattern of expansion that will take them ever further apart. I begin to imagine traversing the whole, moving at speeds far and above the speed of light because otherwise the journey would be pointless. I would forever be chasing what I saw and always arriving at a position something was never at an entities current position. When I want to envision how empty space can be I imagine a slow trip from one galaxy to another. I slow down the speed of my journey and zoom in to where when I leave one galaxy I encounter the sea of black that exists between, sure I can look back at the swirling mass of stars behind for a while but eventually it becomes a disc in space and the galaxy ahead more of the same. It is very empty and alone on these trips, it is a way to reflect upon everything, a way to slow down and examine my thoughts as they float across my mind. I turn on the music and let it flow softly in the background as I sit and ponder it all. There are never any spacecraft in these dreams/daydreams/meditations just me as a being of energy with a desire to explore not only the universe but the immeasurable space that exists between my ears.

I am at a loss. I cannot express myself currently. The ideas and feelings and thoughts I want to express are not coming out right. They fall flat having neither the fire nor the eloquence they deserve. I have had to depend on a thesaurus to find the words I need to express and I can’t stand using a thesaurus. A thesaurus equals a crutch for a poor vocabulary in my opinion.

I have tried watching the local news more often. When I am still up at 10 PM I turn the TV over to one of the local channels and try and survive a half hour of people spewing garbage at me. Generally I try and watch the station my poker buddy works for but I am drawn to his competition. Can’t help it I would rather have the mostly useless information coming out of the idiot box presented by someone I find attractive. What can I say; if I am going to stare at someone babbling about stuff I don’t care about I would prefer liking what I am looking at. It may seem shallow of me, but I am not a news junkie. I can generally sum up the news in a few words. Start with something kind of big, tease something really big, fill with national and local crap, give the something really big (which most of the time doesn’t apply to me), throw in some weather and sports and try and finish with the feel good local story. Sometimes there are important things to know, but if you really want to know something important to you, you can easily use the interweb to find it. Maybe people like knowing the students at the local high schools are pitching in to help the local food bank or about the giant meth bust but really does any of it matter that much? Can’t say I care all that much. Most news stories are depressing and the ones that aren’t almost always seem to be over sensationalized or fluff.

Don’t mind my bitterness, I am under stress from work about work and where I will be working in 2 weeks. But I can’t speak about that, I have a no work policy about what I say here and I’ve already said too much.

So here I am speaking again to an audience of none if I had to guess as too many loyal readers I have, but then again when you don’t speak no one will listen. Repetition of words is something I have to be careful about. If I get going and I don’t pay attention that will be every tenth word or so, at least I am aware of it and can usually catch my overuse of that. Removing that is easy once a person becomes aware of their overuse of that.

And now to the random bits of flotsam and jetsam running about in the mind of Aaron:

I want to be cremated when I die.
No over-priced pressure cooking coffin for me thanks.
Nope throw me in a cardboard box if you must and sing “burn baby burn” as they crank the oven up.
I do not fear death, but I believe it is the end. Life after death doesn’t make a lot of sense, re-incarnation makes more sense but I am hard pressed to believe there is more than this. Logic dictates that we are given a finite time to spend in the Universe and it is up to us to make the most of it.
It’s a good thing I have no serious desire to be a successful politician. In America currently non-believers have a very hard time getting elected.
Every time I want to stop watching Grey’s Anatomy because it is a soap opera, I am drawn back in because of how sharp, smart, funny, and well written the show is (especially when it isn’t funny) and how good the music is, IMO it has the best usage of music since Aaron Sorkin’s Sports Night.
I watch too much television.

I need hobbies or something or something to occupy my free time. I used to want to be a writer. Not so sure I can do that.

I like to watch the full moon pass through the night sky and watch thunderstorms over the ocean. I swear I have yet to see anything quite as destructively beautiful as a thunderstorm over the ocean at night.

I want to see the world before I die. I want to live long enough to be able to vacation from space. I want to be around when humankind puts a colony on Mars. I want to believe interstellar travel isn’t just the stuff of science fiction. I think the reason I find Doctor Who so cool is the entirely upbeat approach it takes towards humanity’s future. Always in the future humanity is meeting its fullest potential. And we are still capitalistic- no socialistic communistic societies here.

And on my deathbed I want to know there is still a good chance we will reach that potential.